sleep

sleeping has become such a treasured state

when you sleep, you dream

my dreams are the only place that i’ll ever be able to hear your voice and hug you again..

in my dreams, I can say everything I wish I had said

I understand now why people sleep through the days

they’re trying to bring something dead back to life for a brief moment  

Cold Summer

A summer love
that stretches into fall
and then into winter
but it crashes upon the cold
leaving an icy feeling
in her heart
that lasts for years to come
no goodbyes or farewells

just disappearance

like a snowflake once it hits the blanket of snow

Dreams v.s. Reality

Throughout time
how am I supposed to distinguish
dreams between reality?
You left me at only the small age
of 18.
I was only 16.
When I am 50, you will still be 18.
How can I tell stories of you
if I don't even know if they're real?
Death is a strange thing.
One second you're next to me, smiling.
The next day
you're lying flat on the ground,
oozing blood to all that surrounds.

living in my head

people ask me almost everyday
"why are you in your head so much?"

i can't tell them that i hear you talking to me constantly

Footsteps

I swear I hear your
            footsteps
walking through
                            the hall,
     up & down the stairs
                  you go,
or just making a phone call...

In my head
                   I hear your
                       voice
I hear it
     LOUD & CLEAR,


It's hard to believe
                   you're really gone
when you feel
                        so
                             near.

Disguised Sun

My heart aches at the thought

that I watched your despair

eat you alive,

inside-out

down to the bone.

How foolish of I 

to mistake darkness for sunshine.

I Spoke Too Soon

I know somewhere deep down inside of you
that you're the same brother I've known all along.
I tell myself that no matter
how many times you fall down,
you'll always have that little tiny piece of you
that pulls you back up again.
I don't know what it is:
hope, courage, determination, love...
Whatever it is, it's keeping you going
& I'm standing at the finish line
just waiting for this to all be over.
I can't say where you'll end up
in 6 days, 6 months, or 6 years.
All I know is that if you're still here,
you're doing something right
and that's all that matters..
and I'm proud of you.

*3 days after I wrote this, my brother shot himself & was found in the park by a creek across the street from my house*
Rest in Peace, Daniel.. <3

Years

It has been
exactly a year
since I first saw you
and I'm sitting in the field
we sat in that
very first day...
but where are you?

If I close my eyes
I still see you
smiling at me
and telling me
that it's going to rain soon
but neither one of us moves.
Instead we wait
for the storm to take us
away
to a far off land
where we can't tell right
from wrong
But it wouldn't matter anyways,
I'd do anything
as long as I'm
next to you.

Lust

I know by the way you

look at me & stare

that you crave me just as bad.

I'd do anything just to touch you

hold you

feel you

breathe you in

and melt in your embrace.

Even for just a short moment, 

like when you swept 

my hair

from my face

I don't think you knew

the hot feeling you gave me.

To this day, 

I can still feel you fingertips

brushing against

my forehead.

And it must be 

one of the most

agonizing tortures

to sit so close to someone

that you cannot have. 

Digging Holes

Now days
we sit in silence
because we've already said
all the little things
that have one meaning.
The meaning that
neither one of us
would dare speak of.
You cannot hear it
on the surface
but if you would dig
just a little deeper,
it's screaming to be known.

Unstable Branches

Birds in the trees

they don't question why

they're so drawn

to every branch..

even the ones 

that are unstable.

And they may fall a bit,

but they will open 

their wings and 

fly to the next branch.

Why can't I fly back up

after I fall from

someone I trusted?

Separated

I wish when I woke up 

each morning,

that I was soothed

with the fact that

my dad is only down

the stairs, 

not miles away.

For a daughter to grow up 

without her father 

by her side

to teach her 

how to love herself,

is like taking the sun from the sky. 

What is left?

Rotting Soul

I've memorized every crack in my ceiling

from the countless hours

I have spent

laying on my floor,

with nothing to soak into 

besides my disoriented introspection.

The only time my spirit ever tastes freedom

is on these pages right here.

I can only put up a fight

with my sanity for so long...

with each passing day

it rots.

demons becoming shallow

i've been lonely nearly all my life.

for a while, books & music comforted me

on the days that were

especially difficult.

but today, nothing seems to soothe my thoughts.

no matter how many cigarettes i smoke,

drugs i swallow

and words i write,

there's still something 

deep inside

that keeps gnawing at

the surface

to burst out. 

silence.

with each passing month,
i notice the letters i send to you
are becoming more thin.
i have sunken so far
into the abyss of my own thoughts
that i cannot convey any more words.
my mind is screaming for help
but nothing ever comes out.
i hope you understand my silence
more than my words.

Sorrowful Sunshine

The sun came out today
and it reminded me
of your smile
& the way you used to
tilt your head back
when you laughed.

Summer used to bring me such joy...
but now that you're gone,
the sunshine carries the thought
of you.
Warm nights by the water
will always bring the memory
of your sweet, sweet love.

And the way you spoke to me
as we watched the sun go down
behind the hills..
knowing that when I woke up
early the next morning,
when the birds are singing their songs,
your love was on its way.

Subliminal

If only I'd known
that I wouldn't see you
again after that night.
Didn't know that was
the last time I'd get to
kiss your lips
look into your eyes
breathe in your scent
touch your skin.
And now
you are only but a memory
trapped inside of me.
But still I find traces of you
in my room
and it hurts to see your shirt
in the same place
you had subconsciously tossed it
the last time I saw you.

Withdrawals

As I lay in my bed

only this dark room surrounds me.

All I can hear

are a few lonely cars

passing outside my window.

My pillow slowly becomes

more damp

with my tears.

I miss you...

wherever you are now.

My body is cold 

even though there are 

stacks of blankets 

covering me.

There's a feeling in my stomach 

that tells me

I'm going to be sick.

Please come back.

            I'm so

lost

                  without 

       you.

Dreamy Night Car Rides

Sitting in the back seat
with your head
against my shoulder
but you have
dozed off
into a peaceful sleep
and I sat there
moving the hair
from your closed eyelids,
admiring all that
you are.
I never wanted
to leave
that moment.