my worst bully

Parents spend years teaching their children about bullies:

"do not let their destructive words tear you down, you are much stronger than that"

"do not give in to their manipulative games & jokes, they just want to see your hurt reaction"

"do not fight back, do not stoop to their level"

What parents don't mention is that you are your worst bully. 

Breaking your confidence like a shattered mirror - you can still piece it back together, but look at all the cracks..

Tricking yourself into thinking you're not good enough even though you've been told so many times how much you are valued..

Yet we are taught to not fight back,

"if you ignore them, eventually they will get bored & stop"

That bully will not stop. That bully will tear you apart limb by limb, hurtful remark after hurtful remark. That bully will compare you to others & tell you that you're not good enough because you don't look, talk, act, or love like someone else, a complete stranger, who's probably struggling with their own bully.

That bully will continue to hurt & abuse you until you put it to an end.. until you stand up for yourself, to yourself, and realize that you are worth it.

I've had a lot of bullies. Ones who have said & done things worse than your mind could ever imagine - but none of those bullies compared to me, my worst bully.

self abuse with love

hollowness in my chest makes it hard to breathe 

pushing pulling twisting spinning make my mind seethe 

cracked lips & cracked hearts are all i've ever known 

back & forth, up & down, are all places i've been thrown

repeating photos

how many times can one look at the same photos & still feel a presence?

shoving aside our own selfishness for wanting more

trying to stay modest with a lack of pleasance 

what else is there in store?

minor things seem to spark it all 

leaving me dead in my tracks

do you see me standing tall?

in my past, i was not lax

secret house

I think I've figured out why we call it
a 'household'
even though people forget how much a house holds

your childhood
your family bonding and breaking
the laughter & tears

your house has seen you at your best
and at your worst

the walls know all your secrets

all the dents you've made
scratches you've left
and walls you've decorated-
gone

when you move
you're not just leaving a familiar place
you're leaving a piece of you
to create space for new beginnings

Lost Inquiry

today i took the sheets that have been sitting in the closet and finally put them on my bed.

they smell of how you used to and it terrifies me

that in my dreams, i'll be able to see you standing right in front of me, talking.

explaining concepts and ideas that my mind will never comprehend

because you lived on the left side of your brain

and i live on the right side. 

together, we made

abstract science

artistic math

creative chemistry

but with you gone

i'm just alone on the right side.

i have no base, hypothesis, or root.

there is no inquiry.

sleep

sleeping has become such a treasured state

when you sleep, you dream

my dreams are the only place that i’ll ever be able to hear your voice and hug you again..

in my dreams, I can say everything I wish I had said

I understand now why people sleep through the days

they’re trying to bring something dead back to life for a brief moment  

Cold Summer

A summer love
that stretches into fall
and then into winter
but it crashes upon the cold
leaving an icy feeling
in her heart
that lasts for years to come
no goodbyes or farewells

just disappearance

like a snowflake once it hits the blanket of snow

Dreams v.s. Reality

Throughout time
how am I supposed to distinguish
dreams between reality?
You left me at only the small age
of 18.
I was only 16.
When I am 50, you will still be 18.
How can I tell stories of you
if I don't even know if they're real?
Death is a strange thing.
One second you're next to me, smiling.
The next day
you're lying flat on the ground,
oozing blood to all that surrounds.

living in my head

people ask me almost everyday
"why are you in your head so much?"

i can't tell them that i hear you talking to me constantly

Footsteps

I swear I hear your
            footsteps
walking through
                            the hall,
     up & down the stairs
                  you go,
or just making a phone call...

In my head
                   I hear your
                       voice
I hear it
     LOUD & CLEAR,


It's hard to believe
                   you're really gone
when you feel
                        so
                             near.

Disguised Sun

My heart aches at the thought

that I watched your despair

eat you alive,

inside-out

down to the bone.

How foolish of I 

to mistake darkness for sunshine.

I Spoke Too Soon

I know somewhere deep down inside of you
that you're the same brother I've known all along.
I tell myself that no matter
how many times you fall down,
you'll always have that little tiny piece of you
that pulls you back up again.
I don't know what it is:
hope, courage, determination, love...
Whatever it is, it's keeping you going
& I'm standing at the finish line
just waiting for this to all be over.
I can't say where you'll end up
in 6 days, 6 months, or 6 years.
All I know is that if you're still here,
you're doing something right
and that's all that matters..
and I'm proud of you.

*3 days after I wrote this, my brother shot himself & was found in the park by a creek across the street from my house*
Rest in Peace, Daniel.. <3

Years

It has been
exactly a year
since I first saw you
and I'm sitting in the field
we sat in that
very first day...
but where are you?

If I close my eyes
I still see you
smiling at me
and telling me
that it's going to rain soon
but neither one of us moves.
Instead we wait
for the storm to take us
away
to a far off land
where we can't tell right
from wrong
But it wouldn't matter anyways,
I'd do anything
as long as I'm
next to you.

Lust

I know by the way you

look at me & stare

that you crave me just as bad.

I'd do anything just to touch you

hold you

feel you

breathe you in

and melt in your embrace.

Even for just a short moment, 

like when you swept 

my hair

from my face

I don't think you knew

the hot feeling you gave me.

To this day, 

I can still feel you fingertips

brushing against

my forehead.

And it must be 

one of the most

agonizing tortures

to sit so close to someone

that you cannot have. 

Digging Holes

Now days
we sit in silence
because we've already said
all the little things
that have one meaning.
The meaning that
neither one of us
would dare speak of.
You cannot hear it
on the surface
but if you would dig
just a little deeper,
it's screaming to be known.

Unstable Branches

Birds in the trees

they don't question why

they're so drawn

to every branch..

even the ones 

that are unstable.

And they may fall a bit,

but they will open 

their wings and 

fly to the next branch.

Why can't I fly back up

after I fall from

someone I trusted?

Separated

I wish when I woke up 

each morning,

that I was soothed

with the fact that

my dad is only down

the stairs, 

not miles away.

For a daughter to grow up 

without her father 

by her side

to teach her 

how to love herself,

is like taking the sun from the sky. 

What is left?

Rotting Soul

I've memorized every crack in my ceiling

from the countless hours

I have spent

laying on my floor,

with nothing to soak into 

besides my disoriented introspection.

The only time my spirit ever tastes freedom

is on these pages right here.

I can only put up a fight

with my sanity for so long...

with each passing day

it rots.

demons becoming shallow

i've been lonely nearly all my life.

for a while, books & music comforted me

on the days that were

especially difficult.

but today, nothing seems to soothe my thoughts.

no matter how many cigarettes i smoke,

drugs i swallow

and words i write,

there's still something 

deep inside

that keeps gnawing at

the surface

to burst out. 

silence.

with each passing month,
i notice the letters i send to you
are becoming more thin.
i have sunken so far
into the abyss of my own thoughts
that i cannot convey any more words.
my mind is screaming for help
but nothing ever comes out.
i hope you understand my silence
more than my words.