my worst bully

Parents spend years teaching their children about bullies:

"do not let their destructive words tear you down, you are much stronger than that"

"do not give in to their manipulative games & jokes, they just want to see your hurt reaction"

"do not fight back, do not stoop to their level"

What parents don't mention is that you are your worst bully. 

Breaking your confidence like a shattered mirror - you can still piece it back together, but look at all the cracks..

Tricking yourself into thinking you're not good enough even though you've been told so many times how much you are valued..

Yet we are taught to not fight back,

"if you ignore them, eventually they will get bored & stop"

That bully will not stop. That bully will tear you apart limb by limb, hurtful remark after hurtful remark. That bully will compare you to others & tell you that you're not good enough because you don't look, talk, act, or love like someone else, a complete stranger, who's probably struggling with their own bully.

That bully will continue to hurt & abuse you until you put it to an end.. until you stand up for yourself, to yourself, and realize that you are worth it.

I've had a lot of bullies. Ones who have said & done things worse than your mind could ever imagine - but none of those bullies compared to me, my worst bully.

self abuse with love

hollowness in my chest makes it hard to breathe 

pushing pulling twisting spinning make my mind seethe 

cracked lips & cracked hearts are all i've ever known 

back & forth, up & down, are all places i've been thrown

repeating photos

how many times can one look at the same photos & still feel a presence?

shoving aside our own selfishness for wanting more

trying to stay modest with a lack of pleasance 

what else is there in store?

minor things seem to spark it all 

leaving me dead in my tracks

do you see me standing tall?

in my past, i was not lax

secret house

I think I've figured out why we call it
a 'household'
even though people forget how much a house holds

your childhood
your family bonding and breaking
the laughter & tears

your house has seen you at your best
and at your worst

the walls know all your secrets

all the dents you've made
scratches you've left
and walls you've decorated-
gone

when you move
you're not just leaving a familiar place
you're leaving a piece of you
to create space for new beginnings

Lost Inquiry

today i took the sheets that have been sitting in the closet and finally put them on my bed.

they smell of how you used to and it terrifies me

that in my dreams, i'll be able to see you standing right in front of me, talking.

explaining concepts and ideas that my mind will never comprehend

because you lived on the left side of your brain

and i live on the right side. 

together, we made

abstract science

artistic math

creative chemistry

but with you gone

i'm just alone on the right side.

i have no base, hypothesis, or root.

there is no inquiry.

sleep

sleeping has become such a treasured state

when you sleep, you dream

my dreams are the only place that i’ll ever be able to hear your voice and hug you again..

in my dreams, I can say everything I wish I had said

I understand now why people sleep through the days

they’re trying to bring something dead back to life for a brief moment  

Cold Summer

A summer love
that stretches into fall
and then into winter
but it crashes upon the cold
leaving an icy feeling
in her heart
that lasts for years to come
no goodbyes or farewells

just disappearance

like a snowflake once it hits the blanket of snow